


At English's House.

by MageofBreath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Caliborn's A Main Character. Finally., Comedy, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-06-09 17:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6917314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MageofBreath/pseuds/MageofBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In an AU where Caliborn defaulted becoming the all-powerful, omniscient time demon for living with the two Striders. Shenanigans ensue. (My First Work, WOOP)</p>
            </blockquote>





	At English's House.

"Oh yeah. Do it. You nasty meat bags." A voice slithered, a bright computer monitor lighting up an otherwise dark room.

On this note, we are introduced to our main shenanigan victim, Caliborn. What's he doing, you ask? Oh, well... Let's just zoom out here.

"That's right. Hold your human hands and give the human compliments. Disgusting." Caliborn was storming up something furious using his drawing pad.

Now, we can salvage this, right? Surely your pure, innocent mind hadn't thought up any ideas, yes? What's that? Let the story do the talking? Oh, fine.

Caliborn dropped the mouse pen suddenly, bringing himself closer to the screen. Yes, 'tis was a masterpiece sitting in front of him. A perfect drawing of the two female human "bitches" drawn, caught in their disgusting acts of indecency.

"Yo, Cal, what's-" Dave poked his head in through the door. Caliborn turned around slowly, his eyes meeting Dave's shades, which were basically his eyes. A sly smile dared to tug at the edge of his mouth. "Oh. I see." He resisted laughter, allowing himself in.

"SHIT! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE." Caliborn furiously slapped the computer monitor, expecting something to happen that would miraculously save him from the situation. "IT'S JUST... USELESS CRAP." He made a horrible excuse, now shielding the computer from Dave's shade-vision.

"Oh, no, man. I think it's exactly what it looks like. You been drawing smut again, bro?" Dave asked in a smug voice.

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. GO AWAY." Caliborn retaliated, still trying to do the closing thing with his mouse. It obviously wasn't working.

"I'm sure Bro would beg to differ." Almost on cue, Dirk walked wordlessly into the room.

"I'm disappointed in you, Caliborn. I expected better from you." Dirk feigned disappointment.

The two Striders both knew it was just a practical joke playing on Caliborn's weird sexuality. But for the young, rage filled Cherub, it was all too real.

"FUCK OFF. YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND TRUE ART. EXCEPT FOR THE OTHER STRIDER."

Dave looked at Dirk. He shrugged.

"Used to make smut for the guy. Didn't think that much of it."

Somewhere, in some place, a smuppet cried out in anger.

"God, I'm just surrounded by porn making freaks." Dave made an exasperated expression, sighing.

"SEE. YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THE SMUT. IT'S TOO MUCH FOR YOU."

Dave smirked.

"Oh, yeah?"

He bolted past Caliborn, pushing him towards Dirk. The cherubs arms flailed uselessly, as Dirk sidestepped, Caliborn face-planting into the wall.

"Let's see here. Ooh, you got a DeviantArt, bro?" Dave asked out loud, mouse clicking.

"OH GOD-GOG-JESUS-JEGUS-" Caliborn called out all of the deities he had ever heard of, trying to fumble back to his feet.

"I thought my shit was bad, but somehow this is even crappier, bro." Dave said, snickering. Dirk looked over his shoulder, looking at the pictures with his same blank expression.

"FUCK. DON'T-" He got back up for a second but just ran facefirst into another wall.

"Man, and here I was thinking you were actually doing something good by yourself. Oh, wait. How could I? This is what every angsty teen does when they're alone in their room."

"OH GOD. DO NOT. EQUATE ME TO ONE OF YOUR NASTY HUMAN "EMOS"." Caliborn muffled, still failing to get up with every attempt.

Dave and Dirk ignored him, amused with the crappy pictures he had on his hard drive.

"Seriously, how do you even be this bad on purpose?" Dave asked out loud, almost doubled over in laughter in the computer chair.

"FUCK YOU. IT IS MUCH BETTER THAN ANYTHING MY BITCH SISTER COULD DO."

"That's up for debate." Dirk replied, turning his head to face Caliborn's collapsed form.

"FUUUH! WHY CAN I NOT. GET UP? IT'S LIKE THIS IS SOME SORT OF. CRUEL JOKE."

Dave shrugged. " _I warned you about the smut, bro._ "

Caliborn again tried to get up without effort.

" _I told you, dog!_ "

At that, Caliborn produced a crowbar out of nowhere,(Likely out of his ass,) and proceeded to throw it at the Striders. Dirk caught it with ease. Caliborn then began to crawl towards the door. Dirk blocked his path.

" _Can't abscond, bro!_ " Dirk said in a mocking voice, dropping the crowbar in front of Caliborn.

"FUUUUU!" Caliborn roared, as the Striders circled around him, dropping insults about how bad he was and that not even the crappiest JPEGS could beat his "art".

After a while, they left. Caliborn was now on his feet, groaning.

"THIS WAS ONE OF YOUR IRONIC HUMAN "PRANKS". WASN'T IT." He grumbled loudly. Dave's muffled voice echoed through the house as Caliborn's eyes opened wide.

" _ **Nah, bro. The prank ruse was a distaction. I HAVE THE SMUT!**_ " He announced to everyone in the neighborhood, as the front door could be heard shutting.

"FUCK NO. FUCK." Caliborn groaned, running towards the door.

Dave was already halfway down the road, throwing USB drives over neighbor's fences.

"SHIT. FUCKING STRIDER!" Caliborn shouted, scrambling to retrieve them, while simultaneously throwing smuppets at Dave. The Strider dodged them like poison. 

 

Dirk watched the two, barely smiling. Somehow, he knew that despite some problems people had with Caliborn, he'd fit in just good.

 


End file.
